If you are a seasoned germophobe, I don’t need to tell you how disgusting money is. Paper currency is much worse than coins, naturally, because paper is exponentially more difficult to clean. Have you taken a close look at a bill lately? Unless it’s brand new, it undoubtedly has smudges and stains and small chunks of unidentifiable filth stuck to it. If you get a magnifying glass, you can almost see the MRSA and the E. coli squirming on it. Is it any wonder that I have resorted to money laundering?
I’ll admit, this is not the unlawful type of money laundering, but the real cleaning of money wouldn’t be a bad business to get into. The Japanese have the right idea in this regard. They have ATM’s that sanitize bills and even iron them before dispensing them to customers. That should be internationally mandated. But as I don’t have access to one of those machines, I have had to take matters into my own hands. The thought may have occurred by accident. It was so long ago that I can’t quite recall it clearly. I think I may have left some money in a buttoned shirt pocket unintentionally, and when I later discovered it, I thought how brilliant it was, and that I should have thought of it sooner. There it was – a nice, crisp bill, almost like new. Perhaps not quite like new; it actually looked a little worse for the wear. But it felt clean, and that’s what mattered. So, I started doing it with a lot of my money. All I needed was a pocket that buttoned to keep it secure in the laundry.
I did my money laundering quite a bit through the years, but with the advent of hand sanitizers, and then my miniature bottle of rubbing alcohol which was always with me, I gradually ceased the activity. It does cross my mind now and then, especially when the bills somehow migrate out of their separate compartment and contaminate other objects. I also cringe when I accidentally brush a finger against a corner of a bill that is sticking up. But when I laundered my money, I was always concerned that the bills were going to crumble because they got so dry.
So, I’m not a real criminal, even though some people have been suspicious of my behavior. I was practically accused of shoplifting, as you may recall if you have read my post, Followed! Every time I’m in a store or a bank, I wonder how many people think that I’m stuffing something in my purse, when really it’s just my spray bottle of rubbing alcohol coming to my rescue and then disappearing back in to my purse.
It’s easy to be misunderstood as a germophobe, and it’s not always easy to blend in with everyone else. But our behavior is all for the love of cleanliness. That’s not such a crime, is it?